Three Times Deeper

​Let's go back to last Saturday night....

I'm in bed. It's before 10:00pm. Me being in bed before 10:00pm on any night is unheard of!!

I'm tired. I've been feeling low capacity all week. Dealing with more boundary issues with one of my classes. Feeling a lot of anger over the last few weeks.

I participated in a Family Constellations event on Saturday afternoon and there was a lot of big energy.

Before we delved into the constellations, there was a shamanic drumming session, which was AMAZING! My body remembered the Kundalini Dance Journeys I'd been on. Even though we were seated, I was moving my body, breathing through my central channel and sticking my tongue out as I breathed out, "hhhaaa".

It was a message to return to intuitive movement.

I thought: I need to dance like this more often.

Later, in the evening, I'd fallen asleep on the couch while rewatching True Blood, which has just come onto Amazon Prime.

So I decided to adult: had a shower, scrubbed my face with my favourite face scrub, put on a face mask and then settled on my bed for some journalling, as I hadn't done any journalling for ages.

I decided to put on my Wild & Wise Intuitive Dance playlist as I was journalling. At one point, I felt called to get up and move my body, feel my body, dance and breathe.

And then one song got its hook into me:
"Motherland" by The Human Experience.

I played it three times.

And something interesting happened.

The first time

I was just feeling into my body.
Breathing.
Moving my body, arms, torso, hips.
Feeling the sensations of moving my arms, my torso, my head.
Feeling how my body felt as I moved and swayed.
I tend to keep my feet planted. Grounded.
I was simply feeling.

The second time

I was crying.
A lot.
Releasing.
I was caressing my face, my arms, my belly, my legs, my pelvic mound.
I needed to cradle myself.
I allowed myself to feel.
I allowed myself to release.
I allowed myself to free myself.

The third time

I felt strong.
Powerful.
In my body and in my Self.
I am a warrior woman.

Three times.

Same song.

But not the same experience.

Isn't that so mundane? I played a song three times. And danced to it. Felt it. Went on a journey with it.

And that got me thinking about how often I want to know the answer and jump back into my head before I've actually experienced the journey.

I want to figure things out.
I want to understand.
I want to know how to get from here to there.

And yet, when I stopped trying to figure it out and simply allowed myself to feel and move and breathe, something happened.

I went deeper.

And then I started journalling about what had just happened, and found myself having a conversation.

Just for a bit of context: If you haven't read the Conversations with God series of books, the author creates them by writing questions on a yellow legal pad and discovers that he gets responses to those questions. I do that too...but without the yellow legal pad, because, well, boring.

Anyway.

Below is what I journalled verbatim having danced. It then moves into the question and answer process.

The bold text is me. The italic text quotes are the responses I receive back from God, my Higher Self, Source, whatever you want to call it.

Ready?

Listening to intuitive dance playlist. Felt pulled by Motherland; that's why I wanted to repeat it. Go deeper each time. Experience the journey.

The crying: at its peak: it was about surrendering my problems to the divine Shiva. I surrender to you Shiva, Father Sky, Divine Source. Help me trust. Help me believe. Trust and believe in love, money, abundance, freedom.

I dance with my body. I don't really move my feet. I caress my face, my arms, my breasts, my tummy, my legs, my pelvic mound. I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to release. I allow myself to free myself.

This is your medicine

I felt pulled to move, dance, breathe at the drumming session.

And so you danced.

Central channel breathing. Being the conduit that connects earth to sky, like I'm the battery, the pillar of light.

No. You are lit up through your connection to earth and sky. The brighter you are, the stronger your connection, the more powerful you become in your truth, your voice & your gifts. You are not a battery. You are the expression. You are the light. You are not an Energizer Bunny.

Playful Depth.

Yes.

Movement Medicine.

Yes, but your way.

How do I create my way?

Easy, just do it your way. There’s nothing to “figure out”. It’s all there, inside you. It’s who you are.
​
You need to build trust in yourself. Believe that you’ve got your own movement medicine. Just because you don’t have a name for it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

(And then, of course, my mind came back in.)

I feel my third eye is blocked. I can't see how to get out of my financial situation. I can't figure out what's blocking me from money, love and abundance. I don't want to be in struggle and stress any more. What am I missing?

You danced. You felt better.

Yes.

Now you're in worry.

Yes.

Why did you change your focus?

(To be honest, I was initially a little stumped with this question. And then I realised my response was flavoured with a bit of a victim attitude: "Aren't you meant to be helping me?")

To get help from you in this journalling process.

I want to SEE my way out.

There is nothing for you to see. You’re invited to change what you believe. Once your beliefs change, you will see differently.

So, now my beliefs:

I believe I can't earn good money from BoogieCamp and Wild & Wise.
I believe I need to work harder.
I believe I don't know how to set boundaries without being angry and aggressive.

What do you want to believe?

I wish to believe:

I am worthy of money and of love.
I am financially capable and successful.
I am free to be me.
I love a clean, organised, relaxing home space.
I am attractive and desirable. I desire to be hunted.
Money comes to me with ease and integrity.
I am strong, fit, powerful.
I am loved.
I am love.

(PS: I've edited out some beliefs because verbosity is a strong suit!)

​My advice: stop trying to figure it out in your head. Instead, feel and experience it in your body, start to rebuild your trust in yourself and your body.

I need to dance more.

Yes.

Hold more circles/experiences.

Yes, return to play.

And remember, playful depth.
Combine/fuse your humour with deep experiences.

Feel into yourself, your body.
Feel into the energy of the space and of the group.

You are free. You’ve just forgotten.

Remember who you are.
Not with your mind, but with your body.

Olga. You. Are. Free.

Free yourself from everything you’ve put in the way of your freedom. Release the excuses. Clean & clear it all with intention.
​
Do everything with intention. The intention to be free to be yourself and to be fully self-expressed. To be loved. To be desired.
Love yourself.
Desire yourself.
Free yourself.
Play.
Bring yourself joy.

Thank you.

What would happen if you stopped trying to figure things out in your mind, and let yourself feel your way instead? I'd love to know!

With love,
Olga